Metamorphosing and the City

555-Change

It was anticipated, pondered, and extremely desired, returning to a place that changed my existence within a matter of months. Atlanta, a metropolitan of Blackness, enriched my mind and soul. This unique city freed me from a psychological battle I had been losing for nearly 13 years. Two years ago, I no longer had to suffocate my budding identity to survive in a white setting; I was no longer a minority and no longer the only Black woman; It felt euphoric. As fast as I got a taste of this beautiful setting, it was torn away. The pandemic stole so much from me that I wish it would have stolen the breath from my body. Returning to the north, to Michigan, caused a deep depression and forced me to deal with problems I pushed down in the deepest parts of my subconscious. I wondered many days and nights if I could last as long as I did. I contemplated life, and I contemplated death; which one would bring me peace? My family wouldn’t allow me to wallow in self-pity but would gift me with a “you’re lucky to be alive” and “look at the brighter side.” I also worried about returning to racism and microaggressions (bleeding through my township and neighboring cities), but what scared me most was seeing my beautiful home, Detroit, gentrified and stolen from the descendants of the black Families that made the city, my city, itself.

Being home made me reevaluate my existence. “Why are you here, Paige?” flowed through my mind constantly. I questioned my identity, purpose, craft, sanity, and every aspect of what made me Paige. Old and new friends, now family, made me smile, but even their kind souls couldn’t make this uncertainty stop; I wondered if even they truly loved me as I was. I couldn't fathom people loving me as I was; was I not ugly, too hideous to even be glanced at, or was I not weak, quickly aggravating to every sense?

I was hurting, and I couldn't allow the act of love to save or keep me afloat….I was drowning, and I didn't want anyone to see me sink.

I formed an ideology that if I held it in, I would be fine in the city. And now I wonder if this was true. Now in Atlanta, back at Clark, surrounded by everyone who kept me afloat and focused on my dreams, I know that this is everything that I dreamed and asked for, but every once in a while, back to my most profound moments. Once then, I finally realized that I couldn’t suppress the feelings and emotions that caused my soul to feel diminished. If I were back home, I easily would have swallowed my pain and hurt, but this act nearly killed me. Being in Atlanta showed me that it’s okay to confront and it’s okay to heal; allowing myself to do this showed me that I’m going through something beautiful, my metamorphosis, and it’s thanks to the city and the love that I’m now and still learning to embrace.